Square one

I think of myself as a dreamer. I am full of ideas that probably don't make sense to anyone else. I am full of questions, and I am never satisfied. Perhaps never is too strong of a word. I like to think that I could feel satisfied if I got to some level or some place. I am a natural at so many things, yet I hardly ever stick with anything long enough to be great at it. I am not content to stay at one thing long enough to master it. My longterm attention span (if that makes sense) is very short. I am willing to spend a day or a week or maybe a few months doing anything, but in the end I always end up looking for something else. That is probably why I am not a natural at learning languages, as soon as I start to pick up a few words in one language I become interested in a different language and I wind up not knowing enough of any language to be able to speak it.

The fact that I am never satisfied or never content is also probably the reason that I don't have a girlfriend. I am sure that there is some other perfect girl that is just around the corner. Maybe that is true, and maybe my impatience with girls is warranted. I have seen many people that settle and are miserable. I with that all of this courting business could be simpler, I wish I could be like Adam; here is the only woman on the earth, she is your wife. That would be so nice. It would take all the fun out of it, but I have had my fill of this kind of fun that normally entails me making a fool out of myself. But most likely the fun is just beginning. This is the reason that I entitled this "square one." I was joking the other day that I would have to cancel all of my plans tonight (Saturday night) in order to watch Lilly and Zeke. And I realized that I was at square one. What I really need right now is for that perfect girl to drop from the sky right now... ready go... I'm waiting... Any time now... or now... It's not happening.

The problem is probably me. I realize that. But it's not very easy to see how to change yourself. Most of the barriers I have put up are there for a reason. I am in no way depressed, that is in no way what I am trying to say. Only pensive in what it is about me that makes me not have close friends. It applies for guys and girls. But that is also not where I want to go with this.

Actually I am not sure at all where I want to go with this. I am having a real tough time thinking of a picture to go with this post, I'll have to think a bit while I am writing.

I got it! I'll have to get it from the home computer.

This is the picture that Dad took of the girls that asked me to take their picture outside of the Monte Carlo casino. I am not sure exactly why but it seems fitting to me.

So the plan is this. Do something stupid, make a fool of myself, and hope that something good comes of it. That brings up a good point, it seems the only way that I get any attention is by doing something stupid or out of the ordinary. That is probably not a good idea. There has got to be a better way. Perhaps out of the ordinary isn't such a bad thing, but stupid is. I will have to think some more about this.

Government

Again I find myself in bed at 11:00, not able to sleep because I have too many thoughts going through my head. Today I have been thinking a lot about government. I have recently decided that we have too large a government. Not that I think that the government is bad or in any way evil, only that the government has overstepped its bounds. Now days it seems that everyone wants the government to solve all of their problems. No one wants to do things for themselves they want a handout from the government. I know that this is ironic coming from someone that lives at home and is completely reliant on his parents for support. But I have come to this opinion on the basis of my parents' example.
I do not believe that the government has the right to tell people what to do with their personal lives. The reason for government is to protect the rights of the citizens, not to restrict them. As Thomas Jefferson said, "That government is best that governs least." The government should protect you from others infringing on your rights and your "pursuit of happiness." That should not include personal decisions of any kind. The "gay question" should not even be a question for the government. It is a personal decision, and if they want to live with someone and call themselves married then what right does the government have to say that they are not married. In my opinion marriage is between a man and a woman and God. Government does not fall into the equation. If some strange religion want to reject what is written in the Bible and marry people of the same gender they have as much right to do so as any other religion. They have not hurt anyone but themselves, so in my opinion that falls under the "pursuit of happiness." The fact that they will never find true happiness is not the governments fault. I feel the same way about illegal substances. The war on drugs is a losing battle that the government can never hope to win. Again my opinion is that if someone wants to destroy his life through drug use, let him. He is in the pursuit of happiness. Make sure to put a fat label on the bottle to tell him that he is ruining his life but let him do it. Many of the problems associated with drugs will disappear with their legalization. Robberies and murders, prostitution and gang violence. The same way that these things were reduced when prohibition ended they will be reduced when these too are legalized. Not to mention that we will save the nation of Mexico from its American funded drug lords. None of these problems can be solved my the police or the government or any civil authority. By making a man an outlaw for doing what he wants and sees no harm in, it makes the law seem like less of a barrier when it comes to breaking it in other ways.
I do not believe in socialism as a viable solution to any social problem. I believe that christian principles are the solution to all social problems.

People/Love

I have very contradictory and even paradoxical views about people. I tend to not like people. But I also tend to love them. Perhaps there is no contradiction. I don't like them because people are annoying to me. They don't do what they are supposed to in order to make me happy. They constantly do things that seem so rude and selfish. That is why I don't like people. They are always thinking about themselves and not about me. I can't stand tapping, it is the worst form of torture to me, people do it all the time, most of the time without even realizing it. And I can't stand it. I used to think, while being racked by the torment of having to listen to tapping, "how can they not know that that is the most annoying thing ever devised by the demonic hordes of hell. Can't they see that this is torture to me. I now realize that most people are not out to get me or to cause me to go insane, they are merely not being perceptive of what I (the center of the universe) want/like/can tolerate.

People will do whatever they want feel is best. That doesn't mean that it is best. But according to their warped judgement it always seems so. No one ever thinks of himself as a villain. People are good, and they do what seems best, because of this I find it hard not to love everyone. We are all in this together. Everyone is trying so hard to do what they think is best. For this reason I love people. It is hard not to. I don't think that this needs any more explanations so I will move on.

People say that the world needs more love. I think that is true, in that it needs more Christian charity, the real kind of love. Romantic love is not what the world needs. People fall in and out of love very easily, and heartache and tragedy always follow. It is much harder to fall in and out of charitable love. I don't know anyone that has managed to do so more than 3 or 4 times in a life time. Whereas I have met people that claim to have fallen in love dozens of times. And I believe them. As far as I know I have never experienced romantic love. However I have experienced charity, and it seems like more than enough to me.

People/ Guys and Girls

If you haven't noticed by now, all of my posts since I started up my blog again are just a stream of consciousness . There is no rhyme or reason to it. It seems that Candice and Scott are the only ones that read this, so i might as well just print this off and hand it too them, but that defeats the propose of blogging.

I often ask questions that I already know the answer too just to see the reaction of the person that I am speaking with. Many times that creates awkward situations. I am not fond of awkwardness but sometimes it is fun to see how people react. I like to break little social norms to see what happens. Like in an elevator, I will stand too close to another person to see if they will move away, not touching them or even looking at them, but just close. 9 times out of 10 the person will move away from me. I mark that as a victory because I made someone do something without them even knowing that I wanted them to do it. Or walking up to someone while staring right at them as if you wanted to speak to them and then walking right past them, it is hilarious, you can see their mind racing, thinking "what does he want? do I know him? what should I say?" they start to open their mouth to say something just as you pass and I can hear their thoughts following me "what was that about? was he looking at me? who was that?" (Word of advice, don't try this on people that you know. They won't think its funny, even thought it is).

I find human behavior to be amazing, 90% of the time you can predict exactly what someone is going to do. Social norms demand a certain response and they give it. But 10% of the time you get results that are unpredictable. These are the things that amaze me. Sometimes I am baffled thinking "who in their right mind would do that?"

I like to try out my "Sherlock sense," my ability to deduce things about people by examining their behavior and possessions. I am not as good at it as Sherlock Holmes but sometimes I amaze myself with what I can figure out. I find it easier to deduce things about girls, for two reasons: 1. I spend far more time looking at girls than I do looking at guys. 2. Girls show their emotions more freely than guys. But you have to be careful, because girls can put on a show but truly be something completely different inside (sometimes that really freaks me out). Normally I can tell if a girl is putting on a show, but sometimes they can really catch me off guard.

On a side note: I think it is very unattractive when girls call other girls "whores," "sluts," "tramps" or any thing in that spectrum. I don't see how anyone could possibly find that attractive at all.

Some guys like flat out stupid girls. I think that is ridiculous. I am not saying that a girl has to be a genius for me to go out with her but she should at least be able to carry on a conversation. That said I think I will now go through a list of things that I find attractive in a girl, this should be interesting.

Number one and foremost, a girl that is sincerely kind. It is like a breath of fresh air. A girl that is honestly kind and caring is the most wonderful thing to behold. Insults and derogatory words are ugly and can make the most beautiful girl look like an old hag. A girl that is full of honest compliments becomes more beautiful as you get to know her. She becomes as beautiful as her words.

Number two, confidence. I think that confidence is very becoming. A girl that is confident in herself is also likely to be kind, because she does not feel the need to degrade others to make herself feel better. By confidence I don't mean proud. I mean that she is driven, strong and doesn't care what others will say.

Number three, intelligence. I like to talk. I cannot imagine how terrible it would be to be stuck for the rest of my life with a woman that couldn't contribute to the conversation.

Number four, integrity and honesty. I don't think that this needs much explaining. The earth would be a whole lot better with just a little bit more integrity.

Number five, fire. I am not attracted at all to passive girls that let themselves be controlled or run-over, I like a girl that has spunk and loves a challenge.

This is not all, but this will have to do for now.

A lot of things that I find attractive in girls are not very popular these days. Especially integrity. So it may take me a while to find a girl that meets my standards.

Thought/Heroes/Good and Evil

For now I have given my blog the title of "I probably think too much for my own good." I think that statement describes me, and my personality, very well. I think. I was born a philosopher. I always over think things. Sometimes that makes it difficult for me to enjoy movies. I always think why did the villain stop to talk to the hero just before he was going to kill him? If he was a real heartless villain he wouldn't have stopped. He gave the sidekick or the hot babe or his softhearted henchman just enough time to save the hero from his certain death. Heroes die. It happens all the time. The very attributes that make him a hero make him at high risk of dying.

I love what Mister Miyagi says in one of the Karate Kid movies, pointing at his heart "This mean you brave" pointing at his medal of honor "this mean you lucky." Heroes most of the time are not what we think them to be. There is so much cliche in our culture surrounding heroism. People like to say that either everyone is a hero or that no one is a hero. Either way it defeats the purpose of the word. A hero and a role model are about the same in my dictionary. And the world needs more heroes.

I do not like political correctness. It is very aggravating to me that I can not say something that I have seen because it seems like I am stereotyping or judging people. Words were made to describe things so I will use them to describe things. If someone is fat you should be able to call them fat, if they are Black or White or Asian or Indian call them that. We shouldn't hide facts because they are inconvenient. I'll give an example, there is a disproportional percentage of Blacks and Hispanics in prison as compared to the general population . But given that fact, it is not politically correct to say that Blacks or Hispanics are more likely to go to prison. That is taboo. It's a fact, and the sooner we face it and talk about it the sooner we can solve the problem.

I think that people in general are good and loving. No one thinks of themselves as a villain, at least no one I know does. We all think of ourselves as the good guys, the heroes of an epic tale. We are very proud of our achievements and sometimes we just forget to me good to others. We all do what we think is best, because logically if we thought something else was better we would do that. I like to think of people as being good.

Now the problem is that not everyone believes that the same things are good. In a way this is good because otherwise we would all want to have the same professions and drive the same cars and things would get very boring. In another way it is bad. We find it hard to agree with people or even like people that don't see the world the same way that we do. If I think that honesty is very important and tell someone who doesn't feel the same way that they look fat in a certain outfit they will probably be offended and hold animosity against me. I was only doing what I felt was "best" but I caused real emotional harm to someone else. Was I the villain of the story, yes. Was I evil, no, just honest, inconsiderately honest, but in my mind I was not doing anything wrong.

I think that feeling offended is about the most worthless thing you can do. It does you no good to be offended. It does you no good at all. All that comes from offence is animosity and more offence. People that get offended easily are the most unattractive people on the face of the planet. The only thing that can compare to that are people that are full of hatred or self loathing. Some of the best experiences of my life have come from situations that I could have and probably should have taken offence from. Like my junior year in football, I played on the varsity team all year and the coach didn't letter me. I have no idea why. Initially I wanted to take offence. I couldn't understand how he could have done that to me. But I decided to instead take it as a lesson and I did my best to do everything that I could to earn my letter. I did earn a letter in football my senior year, and I also earned the Coaches Award for being the most dedicated and obedient player on the team. If I had been offended and quit like several of my classmates had done I would have never had the great experience that I had my senior year in football. I could tell other similar stories but I think I have made my point. Offence is for the weak, offence is the act of conceding defeat and making excuses bases on others actions. I try my best never to take offence.

I do not believe in making myself a victim. Being a victim and taking offence go hand and hand, they are the acts of losers. Victims are my definition losers. It is hard to be a victim of fortune. It is easy to be the victim of misfortune. I do not like the victim mentality that many have. They seem to think that by whining they will get somewhere. The truth is that all that being a victim gets you is change on a street corner and nothing more. Just as I believe that there are no villains I believe that there should be no victims. We are all in this together, there is no reason for you to tell me that things are tough, because I know they are. Times are tough all over. Get used to it, get to work and be happy.

I fully believe that happiness is a choice. And I choose it every day

Responsibility/School/Genius

Ironically I really should be sleeping right now so that I will be awake enough to learn tomorrow. But that would just be too intelligent and responsible.

I like to think of myself as being responsible. I don't drink or do drugs or anything stupid like that. I have very controlled spending habits (that is very easy when you live at home have practically zero expenses and are taking too many classes). I don't have enough time to go on spending sprees. Though I am sure that I could easily find a way if I wanted to. There is always a way to spend more money.

Of course responsibility is a lot more than not spending money. Responsibility is doing things not because you want to but because they need to be done. Like changing a baby's diaper. No one wants to change a diaper, no one like it. It's nothing that is really praise worthy and it doesn't look good on a resume. It just has to be done.

Responsibility is just about the only thing that I have found that grades show. I have met some truly stupid people that have great grades. And I know so many intelligent people that struggle with school. All because of responsibility. Most of school isn't about teaching you information or how to come up with useful solutions to problems, it is about teaching you how to shut up and do what you are told.

In general employers could care less about an employees intelligence. They care much more about how responsible an employee is. If he will be there on time, do what he is paid to do and do it in a professional manner. A genius is completely worthless if he doesn't show up when he is needed. Geniuses seem prone to disappear exactly when they are needed (just look at the current economic crisis).

Of course, there are exceptions, but they are few. A very small part of the population actually thinks. Most of us just do what we are told. The problem with being a genious is that all genius seems to start out with someone losing a lot of money. How much time and money did Edison spend before he invented the light bulb? Was gas lighting such a bad idea? Why not just leave it as it was. In fact the gas companies tried to ruin him before he finished. Genius is only desirable if you want to make it into the history books, because during your time you will be laughed at and outright persecuted.

I used to think that school was about learning, but now I have learned that it is really just about shutting up and doing what you are told. Whoever follows the rules the best wins. They do not train you to be a genius they only teach you how to follow in the steps of some genius that came before you. Its all about playing the game that they have set up. Is it efficient? Yes. Is it the "right way" of doing things? Who knows.

Back to the Blog

I have decided to try to start up my blog again. For a short time in 2007 I started this blog because my sisters wanted me to. Now I'll try to do it for the right reasons. What are the right reasons? I have no idea but I'll just have to figure that out as I go.