Square one

I think of myself as a dreamer. I am full of ideas that probably don't make sense to anyone else. I am full of questions, and I am never satisfied. Perhaps never is too strong of a word. I like to think that I could feel satisfied if I got to some level or some place. I am a natural at so many things, yet I hardly ever stick with anything long enough to be great at it. I am not content to stay at one thing long enough to master it. My longterm attention span (if that makes sense) is very short. I am willing to spend a day or a week or maybe a few months doing anything, but in the end I always end up looking for something else. That is probably why I am not a natural at learning languages, as soon as I start to pick up a few words in one language I become interested in a different language and I wind up not knowing enough of any language to be able to speak it.

The fact that I am never satisfied or never content is also probably the reason that I don't have a girlfriend. I am sure that there is some other perfect girl that is just around the corner. Maybe that is true, and maybe my impatience with girls is warranted. I have seen many people that settle and are miserable. I with that all of this courting business could be simpler, I wish I could be like Adam; here is the only woman on the earth, she is your wife. That would be so nice. It would take all the fun out of it, but I have had my fill of this kind of fun that normally entails me making a fool out of myself. But most likely the fun is just beginning. This is the reason that I entitled this "square one." I was joking the other day that I would have to cancel all of my plans tonight (Saturday night) in order to watch Lilly and Zeke. And I realized that I was at square one. What I really need right now is for that perfect girl to drop from the sky right now... ready go... I'm waiting... Any time now... or now... It's not happening.

The problem is probably me. I realize that. But it's not very easy to see how to change yourself. Most of the barriers I have put up are there for a reason. I am in no way depressed, that is in no way what I am trying to say. Only pensive in what it is about me that makes me not have close friends. It applies for guys and girls. But that is also not where I want to go with this.

Actually I am not sure at all where I want to go with this. I am having a real tough time thinking of a picture to go with this post, I'll have to think a bit while I am writing.

I got it! I'll have to get it from the home computer.

This is the picture that Dad took of the girls that asked me to take their picture outside of the Monte Carlo casino. I am not sure exactly why but it seems fitting to me.

So the plan is this. Do something stupid, make a fool of myself, and hope that something good comes of it. That brings up a good point, it seems the only way that I get any attention is by doing something stupid or out of the ordinary. That is probably not a good idea. There has got to be a better way. Perhaps out of the ordinary isn't such a bad thing, but stupid is. I will have to think some more about this.